Learning To Love

Since I can remember I have loved women. I can remember my first "girlfriend" in 4th grade, Caroline Fink. Caroline happened to live within walking distance of my house and at the time, I could tell you how many steps that exactly was. Caroline was my first kiss and really my first real friend of the opposite sex. Caroline left this world too early and I hope she realized how much of an impact she made on me and the development of my view of women.

I was that kid who always had two, three and maybe even four young ladies I was chasing and often trying to "date" at once. I was very influenced by culture, movies, music and I allowed external factors to shape how I thought I should treat women. Since I am sure some of my childhood girlfriends will end up reading this I should say, I am sorry. I am sorry for leading you on and for only focusing on one thing. I am sorry for not learning more about you.  I am sorry I was a young man who was so insecure about who he was becoming that he didn't think about how his actions would affect you.

I often think about girls I have dated and mostly remember positive and healthy(ish) relationships but I fear those same girls may look back and look at our relationship negatively. I hate that. I hate that it took me so many years to finally figure out what loving someone really meant.

One of the very few female relationships I had as a young man that I wasn't pursuing for "extra curricular activities" was this beautiful young lady I worked with as a lifeguard. She was blond and gorgeous with a level of sweetness not found in many women. For whatever reason, I always looked at her as a sister and everyone else who worked there was kind of like family. I remember one day a few of us were opening the pool and we noticed a bruise. This bruise came from her boyfriend, who we all hated.

"Why is it the greatest girls often end up with terrible men?"

I was young, reckless and furious.  Even though I often didn't give my girlfriends the respect they deserved, I would never hit a woman. I will not go into details of the events that happened when he showed up to pick her up that day because I am not a bad ass fighter and I don't want to create that illusion. I have had my head knocked in more than a few times and probably for good reasons. But this day I was lucky my anger out weighed my logic and I was able to teach this dude a lesson.

"As summer came to an end and we all went our different ways I never dreamed my life would be forever changed by this summer."

I was 18 and not much of a football fan. But as a young man who had just graduated high school and not much else to do on a warm fall evening, I put my Marshall shirt on and my roommate and I headed to the stadium. Little did I know this was going to lead to my last first kiss. 

While in the student section somewhere between the wave and "We Are Marshall" I noticed my old friend from that summer. I hope she was as happy to see me as I was her, I embraced her in a hug reserved for only family. As we caught up I couldn't help but realize the girl she was with, wow. In my entire 18 years at that point and my 32 years now I have never seen a better ASS. I know that seems shallow, but I am a man and all love starts with attraction, well at least this story does. Needless to say because of my friend I was able to get her number.

I prepared for hours to make that first call. Any of you that know me knows this is a big deal. I am the best bullshitter in the world so if I needed time to prepare then it must have been something. I asked her for a study date at the park. As bad of a boyfriend I was growing up, times that by ten and you will get how bad of a student I was. I made the study date several weeks into my first semester of college without realizing I didn't even own a book yet. How was I going to study with this girl if I didn't even own a book? Well I borrowed one of my roommates books who happened to be much smarter than I was.  He allowed me to take his statistics book. To this day I have no idea how I sat those three hours reading statistics, I assume I spent more time looking at her than I did reading.

Early in our relationship Cindy was much more in to me then I was her. I think this is common for most early young relationships and I had always kept a foot out the door. It wasn't until about a year in that I finally pulled my head out of my ass and realized what I had.

I think the defining moment in our relationship was something that would have broken most. In one of my many business adventures I opened a bar in Huntington, Eager Beaver. At this time of my life I surrounded myself with men I thought I wanted to be and chased a dream that wasn't mine. 

"Taking a path that isn't your own often leads to results you weren't expecting."

I allowed my self to be influenced by my surroundings. I started to chase a pretty young girl who was working as a bar tender for me and who I thought was in to me.  In my life I haveoften ended up shooting myself in the foot prior to even starting down the wrong road. I was becoming distant at home and our relationship was probably at it's lowest. One night I decided I was going to make a move on this girl and sent her a text. Later that night, I had forgotten about the text and was busy working in my office when she responded. The problem here was my phone was on charge in the living room right next to Cindy who was able to read the response prior to me. It goes without saying this was one of the hardest nights of our relationship. I really only think Cindy stayed with me because of the girls response, she politely refused my offer followed by her explanation. She was gay and basically told me she was more into Cindy than me.

"Funny as it is now at the time I almost lost the woman of my dreams."

I decided at that moment that if she could find it in her heart to forgive me that I would never be that man again. It took almost losing her to gain the perspective I have today.

The love we share today could have only been forged in the fires of our past. Looking back over the last 13 years I have shared with her, she has never once let me down. She has been the rock that our entire life is built around. She was a young poor girl from rural Appalachia and grew into a college educated career woman.  She never ceases to amaze me. She gives her entire heart at every task and leaves everything on the table.  She asks for absolutely nothing in return, except maybe hair rubs.

When I lost my leg she never left my side. She spent EVERY night with me. Once I was released from the hospital, she slept on the floor of my moms dining room beside my hospital bed every single night. She never once made me feel like less of a man even though I was never going to be the same man.

Why does a man like me deserve a woman like her? I am not a religious man but I have to believe we were meant to find each other. She has been everything I have needed to become who I am today. By no means am I complete, but I am now on a path I can be proud of. I now know where I am heading. This often is the biggest hurdle.

If there is a moral to my story, be honest with your partner. Life is too short to play games. If you can't be honest at home nothing in your life can be true.

"I love you and I will continue to love you for the rest of my life."

COWGIRL UP.